Stumble Foot
by Ajluv
Summary: Klutz, clumsy, two left feet, and even worse- stumble foot. Artemis Fowl has been called all of these things, due to his tendency to trip over anything and everything that stands in his path. Worst of all, these nicknames are uncannily true.


**I have had this idea for a while now, and now that it's finally written, I hope,you like it as much as I do.**

Holly had always known Artemis was a klutz.

Ever since the beginning of their unlikely alliance and later friendship, she had gawked at the fact that the fourteen year old boy that had a higher I.Q then most countries gross income per million, could barely walk across a flat surface.

Of course if you went up to her, she would pause a video chat with the great stumble-foot himself, half smile, half frown and whisper "Oh I know he is, but he supplies half of our REcon budget. Those Italian loafers have a lot riding on them. " Then you would be shoved out of the cubicle with a new Neutrino laser burn decorating the door.

The truth was, Holly liked watching Artemis stumble. it made him seem more human, but without the environment killing rampages. Also, for your information, Holly relished the visits by unwanted rookies because she liked working on her laser drawing. (It was a portrait of Frond.) Of course, that is a completely different story.

"Artemis. I need your help."

Artemis cocked an eyebrow, and signaled Butler to lead the trio toward the door where Holly's shuttle waited.

"Under what classification does this 'help' fall under?" Artemis asked.

Holly frowned.  
"Classification?"

Artemis nodded. "There is legal, and by that I mean honest, help, and more dark ventures. Of course there are sub-categories, such as People related problems and human world situations."

He paused by the large and stately front door, the sunlight making him look something of a corpse.

"Then there-" "Artemis! Foaly just wants you state your satisfaction with his new bugs in front of the council."

Butler chuckled. "So they can have evidence that the bugs cross at least three statements of protocol of privacy?"

Holly grinned and skipped (it was necessary to keep up, okay?) down the steps.

"That's what everybody but Foaly thinks."

She quickly typed in the access code, jumping in, only to hear a squeak, followed by a heavy "OOF!"

She whipped around, hand on her holster, sure that there was a hidden assailant somewhere, only to be met with the sight of Artemis, sprawled out on the concrete with a split lip and one shoe on. Apparently he had slipped.

"Oh Artemis." She sighed, once Butler had collected himself from his danger induced rage.

He glared, but staring spitefully is hard when your lip is gushing blood.

Butler stooped and examined Artemis's lip.

"Might need stitches." He muttered, while fumbling with a first aid kit.

Artemis mumbled something, his face turning red.  
...

"Hey-WOAH! Artemis, what happened?"

Artemis, who had looked up with greeting when Holly had entered, quickly turned his head away.

"It's nothing." He sniffed, then carefully, resumed polishing what looked like a collection of buttons.

"That's quite the shiner, I hardly think that you can expect me to believe that it's nothing."  
"You should see the other guy." Butler rumbled from behind his cheap drugstore martial arts novel.

Artemis rolled his eyes, then winced and lightly touched the purple eye.

"I was caught up in my thoughts and did not see the wall. The dog eat dog world of button manufacturing is a very thought consuming subject." Artemis said, delicately, moving over to his computer.

Holly nodded. "Of course." She said, deciding to just leave it at that.

Some might argue that his clumsiness was endearing, however, that category was filled only by Juliet and Angeline. Everyone else had scoffed at the idea. Artemis Fowl endearing? Forget about it.

Foaly had written on his secret blog that he thought no one knew about (subsequently, everyone knew about it) that Artemis's klutziness was refreshing due to his arrogance and that by removing the massive stick up his butt, it completed the circle of balance. This view was seen by many of the People, although not many of them would admit it.

Butler, however, thought it was neither endearing or cleansing. It was every bodyguards nightmare, a clumsy host.

"You can't protect someone from their own feet." He grumbled to Holly, as he kept an ice pack on Artemis's face with one hand and drove their Hummer with the other.

"Butler. I am fifteen years of age. I trust in my abilities to apply a pack of ice to my eye." Artemis said sarcastically, trying to wiggle his way out from underneath the bodyguard's grip, so he could focus on is computer screen.

"Well I don't. Not since you nearly tore your cornea on the plastic edge." Butler retorted.

Holly shook her head, looking up from the wrist computer that was currently sending a video of the incident to Foaly. "He's got a point Artemis. I mean that both literally and metaphorically because I'm sure that Butler has several sharp points to threaten you with if you should continue to struggle."

Artemis didn't acknowledge that Holly was right other than a twitch of his left eyebrow, but he did stop struggling.

Once after a particularly trying assignment involving a troll, it seemed like his two left feet had walked their last mission.

The job had started out normal. Holly was able to lure the troll away from the Mud Men village that it had been rumbling toward. Once the target had reached minimal safe distance, Holly prepared to sedate and remove the troll. Unfortunately, during the run toward the patrol shuttle, Artemis had fallen behind. Holly could take off in her new developed flight suit, but Artemis and Butler would be stranded, and a Holly Short did not do stranded.

Mulch had gotten the shuttle ready and was watching their progress from inside the pickle jar he was currently draining, juice and all.

"Eh Foaly? How much do ya wanna bet the Mud boy trips?" He grinned hideously, his words echoing from the pickle jar.

"Please." Foaly snorted. "Cabelline would kill me if I lost that kind of money."  
Mulch shrugged. "Whatever." He noticed the teams progress. "Doors, open." The shuttle doors opened with a hiss and Holly gratefully ducked in.

"Thanks. Head on out as soon as we get in. We lose visual on that troll, this whole thing goes south."

Mulch nodded and fiddled around with some buttons. "One...two..." He murmured softly to himself. "Ouch. I seem to have tripped."

Holly checked the scanners, watching as the massive magenta spot came closer and closer. "We need to leave, NOW!" Artemis scrambled in with Butler in hot pursuit. To Holly's chagrin, the left side of his forehead, above his eye was red and turning purple.

"Yikes." Was all she could manage before she was flung into the pilot chair.

After the council members had finished with their loads of unwanted paperwork, and at least one of them had expressed hatred for Holly, they all crashed in the Police lounge, a comfortable room they didn't take nearly enough advantage of.

Butler and Artemis sat primly, but Holly allowed herself to slouch a bit, and Mulch had a curved spine to match a dolphin's (this is a story too disturbing to tell). They didn't look at or mention Artemis's bruise. In fact, they didn't even acknowledge the elephant in the room until Artemis excused himself to use to restroom, waving away Butler when the bodyguard stood up as well.

Holly quickly checked to make sure he was gone, before whispering "I think we have a problem."

Foaly nodded. "Yeah. The council is promoting the idea of mind probes by discouraging the use of foil hats."

Holly shook her head. "Not that. Artemis's clumsiness. It's becoming job threatening!"

"Job threatening indeed." Came a cold voice from behind.

Holly opened her mouth to speak, but she was quickly cut off by Artemis.

"No need to apologize, Captain. I understand your motives. I am not an imbecile-" Foaly snorted. "-so I will address this problem." His face darkened a bit and. Holly shivered. "But however job threatening my clumsiness might be, I must assure you Captain, that you would not be standing here today without my intellect."

Holly nodded and lifted her bottle of thankfully non-carbonated water to Artemis, the others following her lead.

"To Artemis. The klutz with a brain." Foaly said good naturally. "May we keep him around for a long time, despite the fact that it would be loads easier to remove his brain and merge it with a computer."

"Here-here!"

**Does anyone else picture Mulch with a Jersey truck driver accent? Also, Lost Colony reference!**


End file.
